Monday, May 16, 2011

Mormon BASE Jumping Conspiracy

BASE jumpers have managed to spotlight themselves in the media once
again recently. Not long ago two jumpers decided to throw themselves
off the headquarters of The Church of Latter Day Saints (more commonly
known as the Mormons) in Salt Lake City, Utah. They really can't be
blamed as the building was just begging to be jumped. Unfortunately
the Mormons didn't see it this way and along with releasing the
security footage to the media they decided to press charges against the jumpers. 
What you must understand is that the Mormons weren't upset the building was
jumped, but rather that it was so blatantly day blazed. You see, the
Mormons were the originators of modern BASE ethics. Huh? How does that
makes sense? Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret that very few
people realize: the Mormon faith is really just a front for America's
oldest BASE jumping crew. Sound crazy? Probably, but when talking
about people that enjoy throwing themselves off buildings for fun words like
"crazy" don't really amount to much. So why I am outing this base
jumping crew? Because the only crew that matters is mine, and if
you're not in my crew, then your crew sucks.
So what's this business about the Mormons really being a BASE jumping
crew? It's true, the evidence is out there, they have just done an
exceptional jobs of covering it up.

Location, Location, Location
First lets look at the obvious. What is Utah known for? Mormons,
skiing, and Sundance. Pretty much in that order. However to the BASE jumping community it's something else, a playground. Not just any playground either. Utah is like going to the park only to find out Chucky Cheese opened a new outdoor location featuring the world's largest ball pit. Much like a child that will hide their favorite toy from the neighborhood kids, the Mormons have done an excellent job of keeping this cliff jumping Utopia a secret from most of the world. Let's look at how the Mormons ended up in Utah in the first place. According to history (which is always accurate) they were chased across the country looking for Zion and eventually settled were no one else wanted right? Despite what
historians say the Mormon movement west was not an exodus, but a very
calculated campaign to secure some of the country's best BASE jumping
land while convincing the rest of the world they really didn't want
it. After all, the majority of society only desires things because
other people also desire them, therefore, the trick is to convince
someone you really don't want it. Negotiating 101.

Joseph Smith
So let's talk about this Joseph Smith guy. First of all, "Joe Smith"
is probably the best name you can give to the authorities when busted
for BASE jumping and has been done many many times throughout history.
It's the perfect, anonymous, simple, and easy name to think of when
staring down the business end of a taser belonging to a trigger happy adrenaline induced jacked up wannabecop park ranger after hopping a fence or landing from pure
bliss. "Damn buddy, did you just see what I did? As if my brain is
functioning properly at the moment. Get the gun outta my face, a
smoke, a beer, and maybe a post jump dump and then we can talk."
(Sorry, ADD is a common trait among BASE...damn look at that antenna!)
Ok, so back to good old Joe Smith. The Mormons claim Joseph Smith was
a prophet. He had supernatural powers that allowed him to find
treasures. Treasures huh? Allow me to share some BASE lingo. An object
that is prime for jumping, has a great landing area, and low bust
factor is often referred to as "golden." A crew's best, highest
profile, and most prized object is called "jewel" or in some cases
"crown jewel." So it's quite safe to say Joseph Smith really was
searching for treasure, but not "normal" treasure, he was scouting for prime BASE

Golden Plates
So what's the deal with these Golden Plates Joseph Smith found, read
out of a hat, and eventually became the Mormon teachings? Remember the
"treasure" he was searching for? The plates never physically existed,
but were a metaphor. The original Mormon teachings were actually the
first BASE Ethics, or the rules BASE jumpers use to protect their
"golden" objects. Make sense? Thought so. (Don't try to tell me this
is any less rational than any other religious story you have ever
heard.) As far as the issue of Smith reading the plates from a hat,
well, that is just another example of historians muddling the meaning
based on the language of the past. You see, in Smith's day, saying "he read
it out of his hat" is the equivalent to today's saying of "he pulled
it out of his ass."

There is plenty of other supporting evidence (for example its common
knowledge most jumpers have addiction issues, hence the Mormon rule
against intoxicants) but my ADD has kicked in and I feel like going
outside to play. All this talk about jumping buildings has me quite
aroused. So there you have it. The truth about the Mormons. Take it as
you will - fact, fiction, conspiracy, or the ramblings of a


Church Office Building from Marshall Miller on Vimeo.

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