Sunday, September 23, 2012

BASE Jumper's Prayer

My mind tends to wander while climbing ladders in the middle of the night...

Version 1:
As the world lays down to sleep
high above I prepare to leap
and if I die before it wakes
rest assured it was but fate...

Version 2:
As you lay yourself to sleep
the joys of freefall I soon will reap
but if I die before you wake
it mean I made a big mistake.

Don't Die.


BASE vs Skyjumpers: Who Wins the Ultimate 'Coolness' Showdown?

Thirty-four years ago 4 Lake Elsinore Skydivers threw up a middle finger and hucked themselves off El Cap in Yosemite thus birthing the modern day sport of BASE jumping. Ever since this day there has been a struggle between BASE Jumpers and Skydivers. This struggle has lasted several decades and covered many topics such as risk, legality, ethics, and politics just to name a few. However, since this blog is satirical in nature, we're going to address the only topic that REALLY matters to jumpers....

Who is cooler?

In order to do properly determine a winner we need to discuss this objectively. With that being said we'll be exploring the three most important areas when it comes to the Coolness Factor: Clothing/Gear, Women, and Attitude/Style.

Skydivers: First off, we have to remove the coolest skydiving suit from the equation, the wingsuit, since it is used in both sky and BASE. With that being said we are left with mostly brightly colored body suits that are not comfortable, not appealing, and are more reminiscent of a Super Hero costume than a freefall aid. 
BASE Jumpers: I've said it before and I'll say it again, at best BASE jumpers look like drug dealers, at worst hobos fighting over a half eaten hot dog found under a park bench.
Winner: Skydivers - As much as it pains me to say, despite the fact that most skydivers look like they belong on the cover of a Special Village People Edition of Marvel Comics at least they don't have holes in their socks. 

Skydivers: Ah, women in skydiving. In today's declining skydive world full of skygods, tandem factories, and ever increasing regulation by the fun police, skydiving women are playing their part to help bring fun back to the sport. I know stereotypes are bad mmkay...but let's face it, they're based on reality. For the most part skydiving women are attractive, exciting, a little crazy (ok sometimes a lot crazy), brash, and best of all sexually assertive.
BASE Jumpers: BASE chicks are rare gems. I don't really know what to say about BASE chicks other than that they are awesome. (And if I said anything bad I know several that would try to kick my ass.) They are hot, daring, and don't give a flying F*** what people think of them. If you manage to find a BASE chick just hang on for dear life and see where the ride takes you.
Winner: BASE Chicks - Look, in my book, if you're stylin then you're a winner, but I just gotta give the point to the BASE ladies on this one. There is nothing hotter than a chick taking a deeper delay than you did just to call you a pussy at the bottom. 

Skydivers: Skydivers are all over the board on this one. Some are at the DZ for fun, some are there to compete, some are there to teach, and some are there to prove something. This purpose greatly impacts attitude. Some jumpers are real laid back and easy going while others are hyper and in your face. In skydiving, poor performance or bad decisions can get others hurt or killed. Hence more regulation. The goal in skydiving is to perform well. Because of this most jumpers attitudes are critical and constantly looking to improve technique and skill.
BASE Jumpers: BASE jumpers are also all over the board, but with one key difference. Most BASE jumpers just don't care what you, or anyone else for that matter thinks. BASE is a selfish and personal sport. We jump for us and no one else. We jump when we want, where we want, off what we want, with who we want, and best of all no regulation! If you screw up, you're gonna get hurt or die, but you're not gonna take anyone else with you. The goal in BASE is not to die. You accomplish that and you're having a good time. Because of this most BASE jumpers are much more relaxed. Besides, how can you take life seriously when your sport involves intentionally putting yourself in mortal danger and the measurable goal is how close can you come to dying without actually going in?
Winner: DRAW - This one is too close to call. The sports are just too different and jumpers themselves are just too unique to be able to objectively compare this area. (I will say the "fringe" jumpers of skydivers saved this one from being a BASE win. So kudos the the FFers, WSers, and Swoopers.) 

So who is cooler?
Answer: Skydivers

Easy, BASE jumpers just don't care about being cool. 

Besides, it's not cool to be cool anymore.