BASE Jumper's Prayer

My mind tends to wander while climbing ladders in the middle of the night...

Version 1:
As the world lays down to sleep
high above I prepare to leap
and if I die before it wakes
rest assured it was but fate...

Version 2:
As you lay yourself to sleep
the joys of freefall I soon will reap
but if I die before you wake
it mean I made a big mistake.

Don't Die.

-FFF

BASE vs Skyjumpers: Who Wins the Ultimate 'Coolness' Showdown?

Thirty-four years ago 4 Lake Elsinore Skydivers threw up a middle finger and hucked themselves off El Cap in Yosemite thus birthing the modern day sport of BASE jumping. Ever since this day there has been a struggle between BASE Jumpers and Skydivers. This struggle has lasted several decades and covered many topics such as risk, legality, ethics, and politics just to name a few. However, since this blog is satirical in nature, we're going to address the only topic that REALLY matters to jumpers....

Who is cooler?

In order to do properly determine a winner we need to discuss this objectively. With that being said we'll be exploring the three most important areas when it comes to the Coolness Factor: Clothing/Gear, Women, and Attitude/Style.

Clothing/Gear
Skydivers: First off, we have to remove the coolest skydiving suit from the equation, the wingsuit, since it is used in both sky and BASE. With that being said we are left with mostly brightly colored body suits that are not comfortable, not appealing, and are more reminiscent of a Super Hero costume than a freefall aid. 
BASE Jumpers: I've said it before and I'll say it again, at best BASE jumpers look like drug dealers, at worst hobos fighting over a half eaten hot dog found under a park bench.
Winner: Skydivers - As much as it pains me to say, despite the fact that most skydivers look like they belong on the cover of a Special Village People Edition of Marvel Comics at least they don't have holes in their socks. 


Women

Skydivers: Ah, women in skydiving. In today's declining skydive world full of skygods, tandem factories, and ever increasing regulation by the fun police, skydiving women are playing their part to help bring fun back to the sport. I know stereotypes are bad mmkay...but let's face it, they're based on reality. For the most part skydiving women are attractive, exciting, a little crazy (ok sometimes a lot crazy), brash, and best of all sexually assertive.
BASE Jumpers: BASE chicks are rare gems. I don't really know what to say about BASE chicks other than that they are awesome. (And if I said anything bad I know several that would try to kick my ass.) They are hot, daring, and don't give a flying F*** what people think of them. If you manage to find a BASE chick just hang on for dear life and see where the ride takes you.
Winner: BASE Chicks - Look, in my book, if you're stylin then you're a winner, but I just gotta give the point to the BASE ladies on this one. There is nothing hotter than a chick taking a deeper delay than you did just to call you a pussy at the bottom. 


Attitude/Style
Skydivers: Skydivers are all over the board on this one. Some are at the DZ for fun, some are there to compete, some are there to teach, and some are there to prove something. This purpose greatly impacts attitude. Some jumpers are real laid back and easy going while others are hyper and in your face. In skydiving, poor performance or bad decisions can get others hurt or killed. Hence more regulation. The goal in skydiving is to perform well. Because of this most jumpers attitudes are critical and constantly looking to improve technique and skill.
BASE Jumpers: BASE jumpers are also all over the board, but with one key difference. Most BASE jumpers just don't care what you, or anyone else for that matter thinks. BASE is a selfish and personal sport. We jump for us and no one else. We jump when we want, where we want, off what we want, with who we want, and best of all no regulation! If you screw up, you're gonna get hurt or die, but you're not gonna take anyone else with you. The goal in BASE is not to die. You accomplish that and you're having a good time. Because of this most BASE jumpers are much more relaxed. Besides, how can you take life seriously when your sport involves intentionally putting yourself in mortal danger and the measurable goal is how close can you come to dying without actually going in?
Winner: DRAW - This one is too close to call. The sports are just too different and jumpers themselves are just too unique to be able to objectively compare this area. (I will say the "fringe" jumpers of skydivers saved this one from being a BASE win. So kudos the the FFers, WSers, and Swoopers.) 


So who is cooler?
Answer: Skydivers
Why?


Easy, BASE jumpers just don't care about being cool. 


Besides, it's not cool to be cool anymore. 


-FFF

Mormon BASE Jumping Conspiracy

BASE jumpers have managed to spotlight themselves in the media once

again recently. Not long ago two jumpers decided to throw themselves

off the headquarters of The Church of Latter Day Saints (more commonly

known as the Mormons) in Salt Lake City, Utah. They really can't be

blamed as the building was just begging to be jumped. Unfortunately

the Mormons didn't see it this way and along with releasing the

security footage to the media they decided to press charges against the jumpers. 

What you must understand is that the Mormons weren't upset the building was

jumped, but rather that it was so blatantly day blazed. You see, the

Mormons were the originators of modern BASE ethics. Huh? How does that

makes sense? Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret that very few

people realize: the Mormon faith is really just a front for America's

oldest BASE jumping crew. Sound crazy? Probably, but when talking

about people that enjoy throwing themselves off buildings for fun words like

"crazy" don't really amount to much. So why I am outing this base

jumping crew? Because the only crew that matters is mine, and if

you're not in my crew, then your crew sucks.

So what's this business about the Mormons really being a BASE jumping

crew? It's true, the evidence is out there, they have just done an

exceptional jobs of covering it up.

Location, Location, Location

First lets look at the obvious. What is Utah known for? Mormons,

skiing, and Sundance. Pretty much in that order. However to the BASE jumping community it's something else, a playground. Not just any playground either. Utah is like going to the park only to find out Chucky Cheese opened a new outdoor location featuring the world's largest ball pit. Much like a child that will hide their favorite toy from the neighborhood kids, the Mormons have done an excellent job of keeping this cliff jumping Utopia a secret from most of the world. Let's look at how the Mormons ended up in Utah in the first place. According to history (which is always accurate) they were chased across the country looking for Zion and eventually settled were no one else wanted right? Despite what

historians say the Mormon movement west was not an exodus, but a very

calculated campaign to secure some of the country's best BASE jumping

land while convincing the rest of the world they really didn't want

it. After all, the majority of society only desires things because

other people also desire them, therefore, the trick is to convince

someone you really don't want it. Negotiating 101.

Joseph Smith

So let's talk about this Joseph Smith guy. First of all, "Joe Smith"

is probably the best name you can give to the authorities when busted

for BASE jumping and has been done many many times throughout history.

It's the perfect, anonymous, simple, and easy name to think of when

staring down the business end of a taser belonging to a trigger happy adrenaline induced jacked up wannabecop park ranger after hopping a fence or landing from pure

bliss. "Damn buddy, did you just see what I did? As if my brain is

functioning properly at the moment. Get the gun outta my face, a

smoke, a beer, and maybe a post jump dump and then we can talk."

(Sorry, ADD is a common trait among BASE...damn look at that antenna!)

Ok, so back to good old Joe Smith. The Mormons claim Joseph Smith was

a prophet. He had supernatural powers that allowed him to find

treasures. Treasures huh? Allow me to share some BASE lingo. An object

that is prime for jumping, has a great landing area, and low bust

factor is often referred to as "golden." A crew's best, highest

profile, and most prized object is called "jewel" or in some cases

"crown jewel." So it's quite safe to say Joseph Smith really was

searching for treasure, but not "normal" treasure, he was scouting for prime BASE

objects.

Golden Plates

So what's the deal with these Golden Plates Joseph Smith found, read

out of a hat, and eventually became the Mormon teachings? Remember the

"treasure" he was searching for? The plates never physically existed,

but were a metaphor. The original Mormon teachings were actually the

first BASE Ethics, or the rules BASE jumpers use to protect their

"golden" objects. Make sense? Thought so. (Don't try to tell me this

is any less rational than any other religious story you have ever

heard.) As far as the issue of Smith reading the plates from a hat,

well, that is just another example of historians muddling the meaning

based on the language of the past. You see, in Smith's day, saying "he read

it out of his hat" is the equivalent to today's saying of "he pulled

it out of his ass."

There is plenty of other supporting evidence (for example its common

knowledge most jumpers have addiction issues, hence the Mormon rule

against intoxicants) but my ADD has kicked in and I feel like going

outside to play. All this talk about jumping buildings has me quite

aroused. So there you have it. The truth about the Mormons. Take it as

you will - fact, fiction, conspiracy, or the ramblings of a

psychopath.

-FFF

Church Office Building from Marshall Miller on Vimeo.